Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.