Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
cat vs inanimate object
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair