Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

How about I get 100% off by already being there

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.