Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Good morning ☺️
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.