Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
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I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner