Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashiers are always checking me out

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

ㅤ

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.