Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Not recommended for beginners.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *