Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
The funk soul brother
this isn’t threatening at all
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.