OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Blew out my flip flop…
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
😎 🍻
