Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Möther may I have a snäck

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.