OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
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Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.