Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Natural selection at its finest
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Oh deer
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF