Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Jogging has never helped my memory.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.