Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
spot the difference
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked