Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.