Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

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You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.


Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.


“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car


FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
ME: The ghost of my mother.


You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.


My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.


[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators