Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

こいつ天才

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.