“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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Planet of the Apps.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?