“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago