Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
sigh
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.