Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What’s a Messi?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas