Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
You Might Also Like
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.