My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
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1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.