Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.