Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
The struggle is real
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
What’s a Messi?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping