Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
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*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.