Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??