Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
#SuperBowl
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.