Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?