Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
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Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Go hard or stay average
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.