Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

checking out some reviews of my local library

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Look Ma, no handle on things

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

new wife guy just dropped

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.