Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

True story 🤣

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.