Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Showerkraut
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.