“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.