”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
john wicks are toilet candles
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?