”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
“What movie?” 🤔
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.