I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it