Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.

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INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure


Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.


Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.


I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.


Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”


Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.


Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?


Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.


If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die.

“Sorry sir, we are closed.” FIRE!

“Good morning.” FIRE!


murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-