@WeissBrandon

Oh no sir, that shark wasn’t attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.

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@MatCro

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

@1Happytwit

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

@heykarlin

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

@jwoodham

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

@thepunningman

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

@JohnLyonTweets

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

@iAmDelFreaky

If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die.

“Sorry sir, we are closed.” FIRE!

“Good morning.” FIRE!

@pilau

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME