At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’d love this…lol
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…