oh no, steve’s working tonight
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.