“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
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Someone told me once you can鈥檛 keep complaining about something if you鈥檙e not gonna do anything about it. But I鈥檝e found that you can, pretty easily.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
This classic never gets old . . .
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Me: I have Schr枚dinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I鈥檓 a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I SHOULDN鈥橳 NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can鈥檛 read
