Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guantanamo Bae

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

honey, bring out the fine china.