Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.