Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Getting married soon just need a spouse
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
is losing your mind a hobby?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer