Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
genius
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
August 8
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours