Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
*puts my mental health in rice
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot