“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW