“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Same pineapple, same
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
A friend helps you before you need it
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.