Oh no ππππ
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That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and thatβs how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Just tried a βsorry this is my first dayβ to a customerβs question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? Iβm not a lawyer!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, βI paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.β
17, βHave u seen my adderal?β
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, βI can make eggs.β
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I donβt have one like, sorry our house didnβt magically turn into a Staples last night.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight Iβll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
1996: Why do they call the internet βthe webβ
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something