Oh no
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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
in the ocean
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle