Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES