oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
In Canada they just call them geese
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.