oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
You Might Also Like
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
tinder is all about the long game
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
my retirement plan is braless
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Hey i am sexy to you now
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive