oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.


Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.


Wife*outside bathroom door*:”I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?”
Me*pauses knitting*:”Uh, Ya”


I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.


Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank


[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?


“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”


I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question


Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming