@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

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@envydatropic

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

@shanethevein

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

@d_duhwit

Wife*outside bathroom door*:”I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?”
Me*pauses knitting*:”Uh, Ya”

@thejessbess

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

@causticbob

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@iGreenMonk

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “I know. I saw your tweet!”

@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming