Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Winnipeg!!
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…