Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I love texting my boyfriend

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter