Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
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Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
This classic never gets old . . .
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?