Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Don’t snitch tag.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

An odd boast

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?