Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Encore…
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
handsome & gretel
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.