Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
🐟✨ #re4
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago