Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA