Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
New nose
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!