Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason