Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

barbara was highly relatable

😾

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”