Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
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[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
tis the season
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.