Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*