Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Feels like the fourth month in January
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted