Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
You Might Also Like
This is a true ally.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
lost dog
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
💀💀💀💀
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.