Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit