Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
my mind
You just read my mind
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”