Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

this has to be peak English

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”