Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me