Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*