Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.