Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Why is this me 😫
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable