Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Personal question. #JustSaying

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

and now we wait

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

new year update: losing everything but weight

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?